Wait!

That’s what I would tell my 19 year old self. My best friend, we will call her J, asked me that yesterday after reading my blog. I know that I needed those experiences, however hurtful or damaging they may have been, to put me on this exact path that I’m traveling today. I struggle every day with my patience and accepting that things will happens when they are designed to happen. However, I still would have told myself to wait, to live, to enjoy life.

Instead, I spent the bulk of my 20s depressed and feeling unaccomplished. You see, at 19 I knew nothing. I said that I would be finished college, and making money, and at least married by 25. At 25 I was in one of the rockiest relationships of my life, I was no where near married let alone engaged. I was no where near seeking potential sperm donors. I was in my first year of grad school. Actually, I was exactly where I am today. Things have changed for a the better, yes, but I’m still unmarried and with out child. I’m still working and not entirely skipping into work. I am finished school. But I am in a better mental state and that’s honestly what matters the most.

I would have waited. I would have waited for college. I would have waited for the right job. I would have waited for the deepest love. Hell, I would have waited a little longer to be intimate with some folks, skip their asses all together. The point is , life isn’t some grand race we are trying to win. At the end of this grand race is death and I am certainly not racing towards that. I would have soaked up sun a little longer. Been lazy in bed for a little while. I would have read just one more chapter. I would danced in the ocean until I ached. I’m in no race. Because you see , I haven’t become ME yet. I’m in no race because I’m not still figuring me out. I’m in no race because I still want to sit on a bench at the harbor and eat Rita’s.

I would have been more selective with how I spent my moments. Because I should have millions of memories of good moments versus bad. And if they didn’t bookmark in my life under the “Happy” tab then it wasn’t worth it. At this point, I only have time for moments the can bookmark. I would have waited and enjoyed my youthful happiness much longer instead of having it shattered and replaced with misery. However, it was necessary for my story. This is only chapter 27.

With love,
Tania

Inspired by J

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8 thoughts on “Wait!

  1. Life is always lived in retrospect isn’t it? You get to appoint where you remember the “stupid” mistakes (all valuable EVENTUALLY) and start realizing that you can;’t live like that anymore. My 25 year old self was a damn tragedy! An absolute train wreck! But now, when i make decisions I remind myself of who I was then, what I would have done and do the complete opposite. I’ve traveled the world, i’ve loved, i’;ve been loved, and now I am the happiest I’ve ever been. Im glad i made the choices i did when i was younger (even the shitty ones) because they led me to where I am today. BUT i do wish i would have finished school, traveled more, stopped worrying about making people happy and lived harder!

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