A safe space…

Hey Guys, 

So…its been a while. How have you been? Besides the book reviews, I have been MIA. I would love to say,” I’m back and I’ve got great content coming, ” but I’m not there, yet. But, I was having a conversation with a friend after I shared an article with her from Black Lesbian Love Lab and  we had a discussion about it and this is what came of it. 

I’m often called a bitch and I’ve  been told that I’m mean. Honestly I believe none of that. Everyone, when pushed, has the potential to be mean or to be bitchy. I will admit that I have no filter. But it’s not because I don’t taste my words before they leave my mouth, ok sometimes I don’t. But it’s because I just say everything exactly how I am thinking it or exactly how I feel it. Does that make sense? Now, I am not saying this is the best method. I am saying this is what works for me because, to me, it will remove any misunderstandings or miscommunication . A lot of times people hear what you’re saying and make their own interruptation for what THEY think YOU mean. No, I want to save any and everyone the unnecessary drama and time by telling you exactly what I mean. Period. Now, I’ve been told you simply can’t do that. But why not ? 

  
I believe in any ship, especially a relationship, you should be able to effectively communicate. Communication is key but it’s possible that your point can be missed because you’re beating around the bush, you’re sugar coating, or you’re making a big deal seem small to spare feelings. Now, I am not saying you’re not supposed to take into consideration your partner or friends feelings, I’m saying that you should be able to say exactly what you mean and exactly how you feel without the worry that it’s going to hurt feelings. I believe there should be a safe space to communicate, one where you can come and talk out problems like an adult. Where you don’t have to raise your voice, you can explain your issue and how it makes you feel and figure out a way to peacefully address them and then move on. 

Usually when I have an issue with my partner, I think of how it makes me feel, I may wait a day or two before I bring it up but I don’t want to be too emotional at the time. I don’t want to be in a state of hypersensitivity or in a frame of mind where I am quickly put into a defensive space. I like to be able to talk, finish my complete thought with our interruption, at a conversational level. I want to be able to be open and express myself and I want to be open to receive the feedback. Now, this is general how I work but it just often puts me in the bad guy box. So it puts me at a loss. 

So my question is how do you approach this situation? Is there such a thing as a safe space. Is there a way to censor yourself but get your point across (perhaps I just haven’t mastered that). What works for you? I am curious and want your feed back. 

Until next time …

With love,

Tania 

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6 thoughts on “A safe space…

  1. I can so relate to this. I am a pretty straight-forward person, but other immediate family members seem to think there is some sort of negative implication in every single thing I say or ask. AND I get interrupted and talked over all the time partly because they are responding to the first few words of what I am saying and not the whole thought. Therefore, I am very often misunderstood, and I often get frustrated with all of this and end up raising my voice and then get portrayed as a bitch or nag as well as if there is no basis for my frustration. I talk to my family about being respectful and being a good listener and many other things that I have written posts about, but it is pretty much falling on deaf ears. So I haven’t figured it all out either. I think if you are dealing with someone who wants things to improve, who is willing to see their part in it, and who is willing to do things differently, then that makes a difference. I don’t have that. I do find that putting my thoughts in writing (usually in the form of an email to my spouse) does help sometimes because I can say everything without being interrupted, but he doesn’t always read them. And that doesn’t help me with the kids. It IS very frustrating to feel like not only am I not being heard but when I am, I am being misunderstood.

    1. I can obviously relate. I think it is very important to be open and to listen and understand. Not to listen to reply because often the point is missed. I also think it’s not only important but respectful to allow people to speak, without talking over or interrupting. I am famous for asking, “are you done?” Not because I’m being rude or rushing you but I don’t want to cut you off, make you lose your train of thought or not allow you a moment to finish gathering your thoughts. This is why I believe there should be a space to safely and openly dialogue so people can be heard and their concerns can be addressed. But unfortunately for us straight forward people it still doesn’t help.

  2. Great read! I can relate to this I’ve lost people that meant the world to me because of my brutal honesty. I’m learning that there’s a thin line to express my feelings and figuring out if my advice is truly welcomed. Which honestly I think that’s where the problem lies. I’m the type of friend who will always try to give feedback and advice as honestly as possible, however I’m learning that I don’t ALWAYS have to say what comes to mind…I don’t always have to give my opinion.

    1. While I understand and agree with that to an extent the key word is with your friends. But what about with a spouse. I feel like if I can share my life with you and I talk to about spending my life with you I should be able to talk to you about any and everything. There shouldn’t be a thin line. There should be a wait for an invitation to speak on it. You should just be able to speak if you feel like it, if your emotions move you why should you have to bite your tongue ?

      1. Honestly to me it’s one in the same, my girl is like me no filter. Which has lead to many arguments because there are some things that you can’t say, spouse or not.

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